First, please allow me to qualify what follows. I am not writing this to appear exceptionally open minded, keenly sensitive, overly profound or sagely enlightened. This is what I have firmly believed for many years based on my life experiences and perceptive observations. So I now present to you my hypothesis–our country would be a calmer, more stable, less violent and arrogant place if women were in all positions of governmental power!
The first undeniable fact to consider is that, generally speaking, women are less egotistical and more likely to be devoid of overly inflated self-images, allowing them to view events with a keener, more rational, objective lens. Men, on the other hand, tend to react aggressively when intellectually or physically challenged by other males. We guys usually feel compelled to demonstrate our superiority in the face of adversity. How many sporting event fights or bar brawls have you witnessed over the years between two women? Exactly!
Narcissism, machismo, manliness, boldness and fearlessness all too often supersede rationality, common sense, compromise, caution and wisdom when interacting with the male animal. Throughout history the small minority of female world leaders have usually avoided unnecessary conflicts and ill-advised wars. Do not confuse this fact with a female’s lack of toughness or steady resolve.
Relax guys! Before you yank my “man card” please consider my premise for a few minutes. You must have recognized the arrogance and self-importance that is brazenly displayed by many of our male politicians. They may sound tough, although most appear as if they couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. It’s become so commonplace that we don’t even notice anymore. It’s now the norm. Although there are a few glaring exceptions, I don’t see the same abhorrent attitudes from our female legislators. They give the impression of being more reasonable, levelheaded and much less likely to pick a fight with the nut-job, provocateur leaders from other wacko countries. I say, let’s give the ladies a shot! After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
Of course, with every untested theory there are negative, unintended consequences. Suppose the women in power banded together and decided to outlaw the NFL. With all the National Football League’s domestic violence problems recently, that might be something they would seriously consider. They may even decide to replace televised football games with cooking competitions, or worse, soap operas! And what if they passed legislation restricting the amount of beer and chicken wings you could consume each week? No football and no beer! Sports bars would close all across America causing a cataclysmic rise in PTSD among redblooded American males. The medical costs would be astronomical. I am experiencing cold sweats and tremors at the mere thought of such folly. The sudden power could go to the chicks’ heads. This gaggle might even introduce a bill to outlaw ESPN from the airwaves. With no males in governmental decision making roles, we would have no way to stop the hormonal avalanche of vindictive, foolhardy, girly legislative bills. It would prove a major payback time for us “goodtime Charlies.”
If men foolishly allowed women to take total control of government, I guarantee at some point a mother with young kids who was recently elected to the Senate would introduce legislation banning ‘R’ rated action films due to graphic, gratuitous violence, nudity and profanity. Goodbye Sly Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Nicolas Cage, Jason Statham, Christian Bale, Tom Cruise and Steven Seagal; it’s been good to know ya! Have you guys given any serious thought to what this would do to your home life? Say so long to poker night, guys’ night out, weekends in Vegas, your cherished “man cave” and your treasured collection of Bob Dylan CDs. Golf courses across the country would be converted into botanical gardens, community vegetable growing areas and children’s playgrounds. The national bird would change from the powerful, confident Bald Eagle to the prissy, incandescent Pink Flamingo. Say adios, ciao and farewell to manly TV shows such as Storage Wars, Pawn Stars, American Pickers, American Chopper, Swamp People, Gold Rush Alaska, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch, Ax Men and Top Gear. Say howdy to more shallow, mind-numbing crap such as Keeping Up with the Kardashians, 19 Kids and Counting, Dance Moms, Top Chef, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, RuPaul’s Drag Race (don’t ask), Bad Girls Club, Teen Mom 2, 16 and Pregnant and Jerseylicious.
Holy mackerel, I really didn’t think this out very well did I? I do believe I need to seriously re-evaluate my cockamamie theory and crosscheck some of my findings. I have to run now. The Monday Night Football game is about to start and my icecold Corona is ready to pour. Also the delivery guy is banging at the door with my spicy hot wings, deep-fried onion rings and Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Please disregard the above nonsense. I’ll get back to you dudes later. Remember to vote…for men only!
Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.
