“We must realize that there is no one to change but ourselves,” – Joseph Murphy
We all meet people and situations that rub us the wrong way. Whether it is a co-worker, a family member, or a chance encounter on the street, certain people and events represent something that we deem unacceptable and hard for us to deal with. So what can we do in those situations to avoid a showdown or a shutdown?
I have found that the sure fire way to maintain my composure when faced with a challenging person or situation is to focus on the good, and downplay the trouble. This may sound like a passive activity but it is actually an empowering process that allows us to rise above the pettiness of a power struggle. When I take a stand against someone or something I am focusing on something outside myself when the key to my freedom is within. By shifting my perspective on people and situations I open myself to outcomes that I might not have known were possible.
There have been many great minds who have shared the importance of being the change that you want to see in the world. This week I had an opportunity to put this philosophy into practice when my friend invited me to surf with him at an unfamiliar surf spot. Surfing somewhere new can be a bit scary for me, not knowing what the crowd is like or what they might think of someone new showing up has tended to put me on guard before I even hit the water. On this day I quickly caught a few waves and noticed a couple of less than friendly faces on my way back out to the lineup. Part of me wanted to run away and the other was ready to fight. Instead, I paddled toward my buddy and did my best not to react to the two frowning fellows. When I was far enough away, I sat and listened to what was going on inside of myself. I realized that I was afraid that they were going to attack me for trespassing on their territory and at the same time, I was offended that they were not more welcoming.
At that moment, I had a choice to make as to where to put my focus. I chose to momentarily release the conflicting thoughts and feelings and refocus my mind in a positive direction. To do this, I have learned to find simple things that are easy to feel good about. On that day I focused on how blessed I am to be able to surf in such beautiful conditions with such great waves. I focused on gratitude for my friend who took me to this spot. I reminded myself that I am a good surfer who is worthy of my own respect. Then, as if by magic, I realized that whatever those fellows were upset about had nothing to do with me. I saw their expressions as a reflection of the choices they were making and stopped taking it personally. Sure enough, I started feeling better and the next person I met treated me like an old friend, sharing his own excitement for the quality waves that were rolling through.
I teach this process to my students all the time. By realizing that they have the ability to reclaim their power from outside conditions and people that bother them, they begin to show amazing growth. I had a student go from believing he could not write, to independently writing a five-page paper after three sessions. Another student went from avoiding math to becoming a dedicated student of the subject. I have had other students who were constantly fighting turn out to be best of friends, or they simply dropped the whole thing and went their separate ways peacefully. It is all about taking our power back by redirecting our focus from fear to love.
Think about an area of your life, or a relationship, that is setting off fear, anxiety, or combativeness within you. Give yourself permission to shift your focus from the problem to finding a perspective that will give you greater freedom and clarity. Take a moment to choose how you would prefer to feel about the same subject. Think generally to start, such as appreciating the fact that you are alive and have the wisdom to slow down and take care of yourself. Find a few things that are easy to feel good about and write them down if that is helpful for you. After a few minutes, your mind will start producing new ideas and, if it is appropriate, you will discover what actions to take in order to move forward successfully. Once you get started it will be smooth sailing. You are worth it.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, live each week, Wednesdays at 3 p.m. on www.UnityOnlineRadio.org. Visit www.TappingIntoGenius.com for more articles and a free, inspirational parenting download.
