“Don’t try to be somebody else. You have to be yourself at all times.” – John Wooden
Over the last few weeks I have been changing my tune in some of the lunch groups that I run for the district. I noticed that some of them had become rough around the edges. There was less collaboration and more people talking over one another. I had to admit to myself that it was not feeling good.
I was starting to feel frustrated and resentful with these particular groups. I was not sure what to do with those emotions. I did not want to take my frustrations out on my students and yet I felt compelled to let them know that I was not happy with what I was seeing.
The solution I came up with was to allow myself to have my emotions, and communicate them to the group, without becoming a victim in the process. Rather than tell the students that their behavior was causing my emotions, I let them know that I was feeling frustrated and that I could not tolerate the way they were behaving. I ended the groups a few minutes early and let them know that we would try it again next time.
Some of the students pointed out that they were not the ones who were causing the disturbance. I quickly, and sincerely, told them that I acknowledge and appreciate them for being so cooperative. I let each of them know that my frustration was not directed toward them, and told them to have a great week. They went away feeling seen and heard.
The students who were acting in disruptive ways also had interesting responses. Some of them lingered afterward, attempting to joke about the matter, or make some sort of contact with me in a loving way. For those students, I allowed them to help clean up the room if they wanted to. I could feel that they needed some kind of resolution with me. I sensed that they were apologizing in their own way.
In the end, I was able to sincerely thank the students for helping with clean-up. I let them know that I hoped the rest of their week would go well, and that I expected the best from them. The experience taught me something. It is important to honor myself and my emotions, as much as I honor my students. If we ignore what is going on inside of us, it is not helping anyone. By calling on the best in ourselves, we are also calling on the best in the people around us.
One thing that helps when we are feeling overrun by life is to find healthy ways to express what is present. The unhealthy way is to let it all boil over and blame the people around us for the way we are feeling. It is unhealthy because we quickly find that the others are unaware or unequipped to do better than they are doing in that moment. This is especially true with children.
When we find a place to let out our emotions in a way that we feel heard and supported, something else happens. We emerge feeling rejuvenated and empowered. Sometimes our emotions simply need to be heard. If we are able to express our bottled up emotions and thoughts, we will discover that there is wisdom underneath the frustration.
In fact, the frustration is an indicator that we have not been paying attention to our inner guidance. Our emotions are like smoke signals coming up from inside, inviting us to slow down and check-in.
Too often, we mistake the fire within us for some form of mild insanity, or selfishness. What I have come to realize is that our inner fire must be harnessed, and then focused in a healthy direction. Like the warrior, or the athlete, preparing for a battle or the big game, it is healthy to get in “the zone” and then go to work. This applies to the classroom, to parenting, and to relationships of all sorts. The best part is that people of all ages respond positively when we are sincere, inspired, and enthusiastic about life.
If you are feeling bogged down by frustration, it is time to tap into that fire. Find out what is really bothering you. Talk to someone who will understand and encourage you, without getting caught up in the details. If you are not comfortable sharing your emotions with others, you can write it all out on a piece of paper. Once you pull your emotions out into the light, they will automatically begin to change into something useful. When you feel that fire burning in a healthy way, the world will respond to you differently, and you will have more fun in the process.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, to find out more go to www.DarrellandEd.com. Visit www.TappingIntoGenius.com for more articles and a free, inspirational parenting download.
