While having lunch a few months back with a good friend, we eventually got around to discussing one of our favorite subjects—football. After mentioning the Washington Redskins (referring to them as the Redskins) two or three times, a petite young woman seated next to us politely interrupted our chat. “Excuse me gentlemen, but I find the name Redskins extremely offensive. Please do not use it again while I’m here, thank you.” She flashed a charming smile and returned to her patty melt and fries. I looked at my friend as he rolled his eyes. I must confess, I’m an incurable smart-as*, so naturally, I was compelled to respond. Instead of confronting the persnickety lass directly, I replied to my buddy in a louder voice than necessary, “I sure hope the Washington Scarlet Epidermis (Redskins) can beat the New York People of Height (New York Giants) this year. In fact, I think I’m going to get an Epidermis hat before the season starts.”
Let’s face the facts, political correctness is unfortunately here to stay. Regrettably over the past 30 years, we’ve slowly inched our way into a nation of whiners and wimps! That’s right, everybody is just waiting to be offended. Well that’s too darn bad–life goes on. The well-known popular English proverb, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” has been systematically dismantled and should now read, “When the going gets tough, complain to someone about how unfair things are or file a lawsuit.” Since I’m convinced there is no way to turn back the politically correct locomotive steaming forward, we must embrace this reality and get on board. Below is a beginner’s list of words no longer acceptable in polite society and their new and improved PC replacements. Memorize this list of PC amendments or beware!
Alcoholic—-anti-sobriety activist; bald—follicular challenged or comb free; body odor—non discretionary fragrance; clumsy—uniquely coordinated; commercial fisherman—flipper whipper; criminal—behaviorally challenged; dirty old man—sexually focused; dishonest—ethically disoriented; drug dealer—undocumented pharmacist; drunk—chemically inconvenienced; fail—achieve a deficiency; fat—horizontally challenged or person of substance; frog—amphibian American; girlfriend—unpaid sex worker; homeless—outdoor urban dwellers or residentially flexible; hooker—undocumented temporary spouse; hunter—Bambi butcher or animal assassin or meat mercenary; failure—deferred success; gang—youth group; lazy—motivationally deficient; lumberjack—tree murderer; tall—vertically enhanced; ugly—cosmetically different or visually challenging; unemployed—involuntarily leisured; worst—least best; wrong—differently logical; criticism—unjust self-esteem reducer.
You get the picture. Soon, I believe we citizens will be carrying with us always our mandatory copy of Political Correct Users Guide so we can quickly look up the acceptable word or phrase for a given situation. Much like traveling in a foreign country, we’ll be able to thumb through the manual for the perfect translation word. “Excuse me, may I have one seared, mutilated animal flesh (hamburger) sandwich with mustard and mayo please,” to which the express provisions technician (punk, tattooed kid behind the counter) will cynically respond, “Whatever dude, ya wanna processed tree carcass (paper bag) to put that in?”
A few PC quotes for your enjoyment. “In this era of political correctness, some people seem unaware that being squeamish about words can mean being blind to realities.” —Thomas Sowell. “Political correctness does not legislate tolerance; it only organizes hatred.” —Jacques Barzun. “Transcend political correctness and strive for human righteousness.” —Anthony J. D’Angelo