One of my most glaring personal flaws proves to be my lack of patience. And nowhere is it more apparent than when I’m driving on the freeway. So, today I will present you with the definitive tutorial on travelling the freeways and exactly who should be driving in which lane. For our purposes, I will use the standard four lanes omitting the diamond lane (or carpool) since that particular chaos needs a column all to itself!
We will begin with lane one, (far right lane-slow lane) AKA, the turtle zone, used by irritating slow-pokes with mental impediments. Of course, everyone eventually ends up in L1 since it must be used to exit the freeway. However, the regular drivers in this lane present a clear and present danger to all other traffic zooming past. Included in the menagerie crawling along in L1 are the senile citizens who should have had their license revoked years ago, legally blind, minivans loaded with screaming kids, gardening trucks with assorted leaves and brush blowing from their bed onto your windshield, U-hall neophytes with all their cut-rate furniture crammed in the truck, women applying makeup (like that’s going to make a difference) and finally the electronic millennial meatheads calling, texting and tweeting as they slowly and incoherently weave into lane two. My humble advice to all L1 drivers; get your sagging butts off of our freeways, use the “side streets” where you belong and save some lives in the process…or stay home!
L2 is the most innocuous lane and one I only use on my way to exiting. However, it’s also a lane driven by mostly clueless mutts who should be using public transportation to commute or riding their bikes on the sidewalks. Often you see the L1’s listed above venturing into L2 due to the extremely slow traffic on the snail trail. Bad idea citizens! You are in way over your head and will now begin to clog the freeway even more since you will force legitimate L2’s to move to L3. Basically, you have meddled with the primal forces of nature (a great line delivered by Ned Beatty in the classic movie, Network, 1976). Suck it up and stay far right, trespassers. The meek shall not inherit the freeway!
L3 is the freeway pivot point, spitting cars left and right as the aggressor’s dash to the fast lane and car poolers weave their way from the diamond lane attempting to make the next exit. It’s also the most confusing lane requiring intense concentration due to cars continually darting at you from both sides, although I do spend time in L3 when absolutely necessary. For example, when some psychotic deviant is riding my butt and flipping me off while honking to get out of his path, I will move from the fast lane to L3. I also say a prayer that a few miles down the road the high-strung psycho will be pulled over by a Highway Patrol officer receiving a mega-buck ticket.
L4 is where the neurotically impatient, alpha male and female drivers dwell, coveting their traffic lane at speeds of 80-plus miles per hour. No, we don’t need to be somewhere; we just want to get their quickly without obstruction from those belonging in other lanes. It’s a
genealogical compulsion that will never change. If you are not moving at least 78 MPH get out of L4 immediately! We know the speed limit is 70, but we don’t give a rat’s patoot. Move over to L3 until we zip by. The Fastlane is for fast drivers, that’s why it’s called the FAST lane…got it. Don’t want to drive fast? Fine, move right pest! It’s survival of the fittest and you belong NOT in the wild lane. Also big trucks, airport shuttles, buses and VW vans move over. We don’t want you here! Was that too negative?
In conclusion, there’s a place for everyone on our freeways so just be keenly aware of where your place is and everything will run smoothly. As Clint Eastwood so aptly stated in Magnum Force—“A man’s got to know his limitations.”
