Why should zombies get all the fun?

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I’m feeling old today. Next summer marks the 25-year anniversary of the groundbreaking vampire film “The Lost Boys,” and since it’s Halloween time, I can’t really wait until next summer to start celebrating that. Which leaves me thinking, when did vampires start walking around during the day and sparkling in the sunlight? Honestly I’m disappointed that today’s sexy bloodsuckers look more like hipster groupies in a dive bar than the glamorous, graceful, mysterious vampires of days gone by.

Google “vampire” and you get a weird hodgepodge of folklore and product placement. Vampire Vineyards in Beverly Hills makes kitschy, subpar merlot and is reported to have real vampires running the joint. Surf on over to vampirewebsite.net and you’ll receive an entire wealth of knowledge on everything from vampire-friendly cities to recognizing a real slayer. For those even moderately obsessed with pop culture, you might join me in disappointment that I have yet to find a simple, yet comprehensive list of the best vampires out there.

I am here to provide that list. Because around this time of year, I’m a goth trapped in an adult.

Here they are in no particular order, along with links to the best YouTube clips I could find for each. Join me in a creepy mid-week break with the undead:

·        David in The Lost Boys”: Keifer Sutherland’s portrayal of the motorcycle/vampire gang leader is beautifully, wonderfully creepy. Forget modern-day vampires who look like they’ve been dipped in glue and rolled in glitter, David’s meticulously coiffed platinum mullet glistens in the moonlight. Plus, the death scene in which he gets impaled with a pair of deer antlers is gross while awesome. I would gladly let Keifer bite my neck while 1980s-tastic song “Cry Little Sister” played in the background.

·        Mick St. John in Moonlight”: Not to be confused with the cheesy 1980s sitcom “Moonlighting,” this short-lived television series was one of the best things that happened to CBS a couple of years ago. While it was canceled after one season, I quickly fell into lust with vampire private investigator Mick, played by the smoldering Alex O’Loughlin. He had that perfect combination of hypnotic sexy mystery that I crave in a vampire and he looked fantastic in the episode where he did push-ups without his shirt.

·        Dracula in “Animaniacs,” season 1, episode 29 Draculee, Dracula”: When Yakko, Wakko and Dot travel to Transylvania instead of Pennsylvania, they meet Dracula, whom they assume is Amish. Hilarity ensues. This is also one of a few episodes in which they refer to Dracula as “Dadoo,” which I called my own dad who was not a vampire. Nor Amish. Here’s a sample of the dialogue that makes this episode brilliant:

Wakko: [talking about Dracula] That guy sure dresses funny.

Dot: This is Pennsylvania, Wakko. He’s probably Amish.

Yakko: I’ll handle him. I saw “Witness” twice.

·        Bunnicula: (I couldn’t find a good clip, so all you get is my witty description for this one.) This vampire bunny stars in many children’s’ books as a family pet that sucks the juice out of vegetables. The other family pets don’t know how to deal with Bunnicula and are afraid that he is evil. My favorite book in the series is “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” in which the paranoid family pets believe that all the de-juiced veggies are actually Bunnicula’s army of undead and find a giant white carrot that they think is the army’s leader. Turns out the giant white carrot is just a carrot cake covered with cream cheese frosting. Now that’s comedy gold. Children’s’ books just aren’t the same nowadays. (For those keeping track, I love carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and my birthday is a month away.)

·        Mina Harker in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”: This movie was a total cinematic suck-fest, but Peta Wilson’s portrayal of Mina was casting genius. OK, so maybe I just have girl-crush on Peta Wilson because she played Nikita in USA Network’s “La Femme Nikita” series. Maybe I want to be Nikita. Maybe I think I would be an excellent super spy who kicks ass and looks fabulous while doing it. I also think that “La Femme Nikita” had probably one of the best uses of music throughout each episode and the entire cast was stunning. A little part of me died when USA Network canceled “Nikita”; yes, in a twist of irony “Nikita” was canceled (and that was probably the best obscure reference you’ll read all day, kids. See, when bad operatives in the show were executed, they were referred to as “canceled.” See? Irony? Nikita was canceled? Oh shut up.) Wait, did I digress? Oh yeah. “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” was a suck-fest, but Peta Wilson is an absolute goddess.

Why should zombies get all the fun?