There are three main targets I often disparage and chastise in my columns–politicians, Hollywood elites and millennials. Let’s see, spin the wheel, who will it be today? Millennials, you lose! For my purpose, I’ll consider this group anyone less than 26 years of age. You know the squishy, spineless, sensitive folks who are hell-bent on saving the planet by forcing me to drive an electric car, give up eating red meat and strictly adhere to political correctness. Yep, that’s correct–self-absorbed, coddled air-heads.
One of the most disturbing dynamics of this crew is their utter lack of ability to speak properly. I don’t expect everyone to showcase perfect English; however, could they at least not use the word “awesome” to describe everything positive that leaves their mouths? “That movie was so awesome dude. The car chase was awesome and the plot was awesome and the actors were awesomer, so totally awesome!” Enough! For the frustrated parents out there, give your juvenile delinquent a thesaurus for Christmas. And don’t get them an electronic one. Buy them a real book, you know, like at a book store. Awesome! While we’re on the subject of “lazy speech,” here are a few other grating irritations that must be dropped from your conversations (by conversation I mean talking not texting). Drop uh, um, and you know from all speech. If you were writing a report for school you wouldn’t use those affronts, would you? Oh, sorry—writing is something you do with a writing implement such as a pen or pencil and put it down on a sheet of paper! Does anyone even write anymore? Ben, I know you do (my pen-pal from Culver City).
Okay, now that we have proven millennials to be extremely indolent speakers, let’s shine a light on more of their sordid behaviors. I guess texting while shopping would be next on my “stop it now” list. A few weeks ago I was in a Target store (no, not clothes shopping). During my 10-minute search for light bulbs, I nearly avoided collisions with three different female shopper’s texting as they sauntered down the aisles. Here’s a simple rule I would like turned into law—when entering any business including restaurants, banks, stores, Costco, gas stations and government offices, turn off your devices and put them away or face a $5,000 fine and six months in jail! Too harsh? Of course we all realize texting while driving can be deadly; however, clueless fledgling addicts keep doing it. Also, along with their texting in public, enough with the vain selfies. Oh look, three goofballs with inane smiles taking a selfie. Wow, can I get a few copies of that to line my cat’s litterbox? And the next time I see some narcissistic twerp pull out a selfie stick, I swear I’m going to yank it out of his grimy hand and shove it…never mind.
How did this fledgling generation get so self-indulgent and mushy? I have a few theories that I won’t go into at this time. Part of the problem stems from the misconceived necessity of parents, relatives and teachers to brain wash kids from an early age by telling them just how unique and special they are or stuffing their heads with slush about how they can be anything they want to be. Of course they can, however, they should also be instructed on the stark realities of life and how to properly cope with and handle failure and disappointment. You know, realistic, no-nonsense, clear-headed parenting.
Um, in conclusion, you know, like uh, be cool and uh, um, like stay awesome.
