- Coach Marni, what can I do to stop my kids from fighting? They always seem to be going at it with each other.
- As a parent coach, I’m often asked to help families eliminate the sibling issues they have in their homes. The seemingly constant bickering and fighting can become very annoying to parents. I also believe it challenges the expectations we have of our children. We want them to love each other, respect each other and enjoy each other’s company. Many of us actually dream that our children will be best friends.
When I found out I was having a baby girl as the second child, I was brought to tears by the mere thought that my oldest daughter was going to have a sister and get to experience the special bond that, at the time, I thought could only exist between sisters. I have a brother, and I while we are very close, I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister – would she understand me more? Would we share clothes, makeup, friends, etc.?
I have to admit that my daughters are extremely close, and on a scale of sibling rivalry with one being very little of it and five being extreme rivalry, I think we are at a 0.5. My girls amaze me at how well they interact, and that while they have an extremely tight bond, they are very respectful of each other’s privacy, possessions and feelings.
I would obviously like to take credit for the way the two of them get along, so I will, but I also want to be honest and say that every sibling relationship has its moments. The sibling relationship is the one unconditional relationship in childhood where a person can test the social and emotional limits of another person: What can I get away with and what are the consequences of my behavior? They can nearly rip each other’s throats out one minute, and the next they are acting like best friends, as if nothing ever happened.
There are three strategies for coping with the sibling rivalry in your home. Notice I say cope, because I don’t believe you will ever eliminate it completely, but you can try these strategies for your family and experience the effectiveness of reducing the conflict.
The first solution is to actually help your children resolve their conflict by using conflict resolution skills. After both children have had a chance to calm down, which you may suggest they take a moment to do, let them know you will help them solve their problem. You aren’t going to solve it for them, but you are going to help them learn the skills to resolve it themselves. As the parent, you must remain calm and neutral. This is not your fight, but rather your opportunity to teach your children conflict resolution skills they can use when you are not around.
- Give each child an opportunity to tell their story without being interrupted.
- Repeat back what you heard to make sure you heard correctly. If you need more information you may need to ask, “What happened just before that?”
- Move to the other child to hear their story. Repeat it back so that you know you understand correctly.
- Ask if they have any ideas as to fix the problem. Brainstorm by hearing each idea. You may also want to share one of your ideas, but remember that they don’t have to use your idea.
- After there are a few ideas, let them decide which one they would like to try. Ask for agreement and let them give it a try.
- Allow the children the opportunity to use the ideas they come up with. If they don’t like the solution, they learn from that, too, and will have another opportunity to learn.
The second possible solution is to simply tell your squabbling children that it’s fine to have an argument but they need to take it outside or some other previously agreed upon place where fighting might be appropriate. Show faith in them that they can work out their problem. Or you can leave the room without saying a word and let them figure it out on their own.
Last, if your children are quarreling in a room you aren’t in, you can try to quietly walk into that room and simply sit down near them without saying a word. You can even try picking up a magazine or book to read. The key here is to not get involved. If they try to involve you, you can simply show faith again that they can resolve the conflict. A parent might even say something like, “I know you two can figure this out let me know when you’ve come to a solution.”
Marni Parsons is a PCI Certified Parent Coach®, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer & Family Consultant. For a 45-minute complimentary strategy session visit her at acoach4parents.com or call her at (310) 435-3622.
