- My son and I had an argument the other day and he really hurt my feelings with some of the things he said. He later came to apologize, but I was so upset that I wasn’t able to accept his apology. How can my son and I reconcile the hurt feelings and move past this?
- Isn’t it interesting how easily we can hurt the feelings of those we love the most? Reconciling and recovering from the pain of a loved one’s actions or painful words takes a lot of maturity and a willingness to accept our participation in the problem. As the adult in the situation, the responsibility of modeling how to give and receive an apology weighs heavily on the parents’ shoulders. Genuinely recovering from the mistake of hurting someone’s feelings can be accomplished in a few easy steps when the hearts of those involved are all in the right place.Often it requires some time and space after the argument or disagreement before true reparation can be made.
Initially it’s important to recognize that a mistake was made. The ability to say, “I made a mistake,” is quite difficult for many people but is the essential first step of making amends. Second, it’s imperative that responsibility is taken: “I yelled at you instead of telling you how I was feeling and am willing to take responsibility for that.” At this point, assuming the first two steps were done with true compassion, the apology can be made: “I’m sorry for (be specific about what happened).” The apology is followed by the final and most important step of stating a resolution: “I’m committed to (be specific with your intention) or I’m willing to work on a solution or come to an agreement so that this doesn’t happen again.”
It’s as important to teach children how to make an apology as it is to accept one. Once again, this can only be done by graciously accepting the apology of children when they reach the age, as the boy above, that they are able to come to you of their own free will and make amends for hurting you. Unfortunately, many parents at this point want to lecture the child about their infraction, thereby exacerbating the situation or negating the attempted apology altogether.
Rather, I want to encourage parents to show their gratitude and appreciation to the child who has been mature enough and responsible enough to come forward to say, “I’m sorry.” It takes a lot of courage to admit when a mistake has been made and to be willing to do what it takes to right the wrong.
Marni Parsons is a PCI Certified Parent Coach®. Contact her at acoach4parents.com or (310) 435-3622 to find out how you can participate in the variety of classes she offers or for a 45-minute complimentary strategy session.
