“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” -Stephen Covey
We all face situations in which our emotions take over and it becomes challenging to make good choices. It could be a particular person or activity that pushes our buttons, or it could be a whole series of difficult things coming together and wearing us down. At those times it is important to remember what really matters.
I was speaking with a colleague today about a supervisor who has been less than supportive in recent interactions. My friend was describing how challenging it has been to work in that environment. I was relating to the situation, as I have also had a sense that I am somehow a burden to this person in the past. With regard to this situation, it would have been very easy for me to go into a tirade about how this is just one more person who does not appreciate what I do.
Instead of succumbing to the urge to dwell in self-pity and self-righteousness, I paused to remember what is really important. I reminded myself that the work I do is a dream come true for me. I enjoy creating a space of encouragement and self-reflection where students can feel empowered and create lasting relationships. I am in a position, after 16 years in the field, that enables me to spend time with children doing exactly what I love doing.
If I look outside myself for the approval of others, life becomes a slippery slope. After all, if everyone is looking outside for approval, then who is tending to what matters most? I have found that it is through listening to my heart, and living by principles that I believe in, that I create a successful life. It is not what happens to me that matters most; it is how I respond. I have also come to find that happiness is a choice. If a person around me is not making the choice to be happy, it is their loss and, as in the case with my colleague, I am likely to find that I am not the only one who feels negatively around that person.
I have found that many of the students who come to me with challenges are not motivated to learn for one reason or another. If they have a learning challenge, and they lack the motivation, they are in a double bind. Part of the process of working with these students is to give them an opportunity to admit how frustrated they feel. Underneath their frustration I often find out what really motivates these students. When these same students feel sincerely interested in the work they are doing, a whole new energy emerges. They begin applying the strategies they are learning because they actually want to get where they are going. Just like myself, they start focusing on their own goals and dreams, and stop trying to gain the approval of others in ways that they don’t feel good about.
My friend Ray, aka “The Surfing Nurse,” and I were recently talking about our experiences in the water. I have been surfing since I was 13 years old. For much of that time I was intimidated by the other surfers in the water and felt very uncomfortable if anyone was around. Recently this anxiety vanished and I was not sure why. Then I realized that I now focus more of my attention on reading the ocean, and trying to have as much fun as I can in the water. I am no longer so concerned with gaining the approval, or avoiding the disdain, of these people who I just met. Nowadays, I tend to come away with at least one new friend every session.
So take inventory of what really matters to you. Is there a situation in which you are feeling disempowered, like you cannot win? Are you looking for someone else to tell you that you are good enough, or that you matter? Try giving yourself the stamp of approval that you have been seeking from the outside. What does the world look like when you become an inspired work in progress? I have found that my world gets better than I could have imagined.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, live each week at 3 pm on www.UnityOnlineRadio.org. Visit www.TappingIntoGenius.com for more articles and a free, inspirational parenting download.
