“Don’t take it personal (Just one of dem days)” – Monica
There are times when someone says something to me that sends me reeling. This is particularly true when it pertains to the people I love. If I sense that someone is judging someone I hold dear, and I am having a tough day, it is easy for me to lose all perspective and get very upset. I experienced it this week with my son’s teacher, over something that now seems completely insignificant. When I got in my car after dropping off my son, I felt very angry. I was ready to tell some people off and was not sure what to do with all of that emotion. Thankfully, when I am not sure what to do, I have learned to take a breath and let it come to me.
Taking those moments to pause has proven to be priceless for me. In this case, my friend happened to call me and it gave me an opportunity to vent. I felt better after I shared my concerns, and he helped me to see that acting out of anger would not help the situation. He also helped me to see that while my being upset was valid, the situation was not personal. The last part actually occurred to me as I drove to work. This incident involved the tardy policy at my son’s school, and I am clearly not the only person who is affected by that policy. It is so simple, and yet detaching from taking it so personally changed my whole day.
So what does it mean to not take things personally? For me it means realizing that people and situations are what they are, in large part, before I arrive on the scene. If something feels personal, it is likely a reflection of the kind of day that I am having, rather than what is going on around me. If, for example, I am flying high and feeling good, then I do not notice certain potentially annoying qualities in people. If, on the other hand, I am being hard on myself for something, I tend to be bothered by the very things that I had not even noticed before. Recognizing, and accepting this truth, has been the key to my success of late.
When I work with students in our district, this is one of the things that I teach. When someone feels they are being attacked or feels powerless to their circumstances, we work on shining light on the things they can do to rise above that relationship or circumstance. Often, it is the details that my students think are personal, which are the stumbling blocks to their success. They may think that a certain kid only makes fun of them, or even believe they deserve to be made fun of. Academically, some students believe they are doomed to be “C” students and never even attempt to do better. By recalibrating their expectations, and their ideas about what they deserve, it is amazing how the results can change. One of my students told me that she used to think nothing of getting math problems wrong. It was normal for her, and so she avoided looking at her mistakes. Now she is bothered by her mistakes and works to figure out what to do differently next time. She has learned that she is capable of improving and her mistakes are no longer personal, just part of the process.
It comes down to asking yourself, given your current situation, are you going to make an empowered choice which will bring you somewhere you want to go, or are you going to act out of your pain and end up going further in the direction that already feels bad? Making empowered choices can include talking to a friend, or asking someone with authority for help. The first step is to tend to your self. Remind your self that no matter what seems to be going on in that moment, you are worthy of your own respect, and your own kind words. Create enough space for yourself so that you can receive new insight and inspiration about how to proceed. Remember the goodness of life.
Changing the way you respond to people and situations that you once took personal will create remarkable results. It is important to ask yourself what you want out of life and then choose the path that will actually lead you there, rather than getting distracted by the other people around you who might not be traveling in the same direction. Eventually that troubling person or situation will change their tune or disappear from your experience. You, however, will be your own constant traveling companion in life. I suggest you enjoy the ride.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, Wednesdays at 3 pm on www.UnityOnlineRadio.org. Visit www. TappingIntoGenius.com for more articles and a free, inspirational parenting download.
