While shopping at a Vons grocery store the other day, I had an epiphany. If you’ve ever shopped at Vons you are aware that after checking out they always ask, “Would you like help with your groceries today?” The elderly woman in front of me requested assistance from the friendly male bagger placing her bags in the cart. In a soft voice she responded, “Yes, thank you.” So the helpful young man smiled and began pushing her cart toward the exit. When I entered the parking lot with my sacks of food, I saw the grocery guy helping the sweet senior into her car. I smiled at him and nodded my head in approval. Just before starting my car to head home, it struck me like a lightning bolt. I’ve been looking at the dreaded aging process completely wrong over the past five or so years. We senile citizens have the perfect built-in scam, and most of us don’t realize it! Instead of whining and complaining about getting older and breaking down, start taking advantage of the benefits the process yields. Capitalize on the distorted perceptions of the under forty crowd who believe anyone over sixty-five is a doddering relic from the stone age with limited physical abilities and the mental capacity of a grape. Use it to your advantage. If manipulated correctly the possibilities are endless. Over the next few days I developed a theory that I now present for your edification: “The Old Fogies Con!”
It’s really quite simple. Most people feel sorry for elderly people, especially if they have visible handicaps. However, if you relate a personal malady, condition or disorder to them, friends and acquaintances will take you at face value and easily believe what you have related to be your present “condition.” So if a good friend asks you to help them move a load of furniture on the weekend, you could respond with “Sorry Dave but I wrenched my back last week and don’t think I can help. I guess my age is catching up with me.” Not only will Dave express sympathy, he will ask if there’s something he can do for you. You then counter with “Oh thanks dude, there is one small thing if it’s not too much trouble. I’m going to watch the football game tonight and I can’t really drive right now, too painful. Could you pick up a bucket of extra crispy chicken with biscuits and mashed potatoes at Kentucky Fried Chicken and drop it off at six tonight? It would really help.” Not only will your good buddy get your bucket of bird for you, he may even pay for it himself out of sympathy. Winning!
So, in practice, you will be using people’s misconceptions regarding the elderly to your advantage by manipulating, distorting, exaggerating or inventing diseases, injuries, syndromes, infirmities or loss of mental facilities. Wow, that doesn’t sound very ethical or truthful. Oh well, let’s move on with some other examples to clarify my scheme, I mean theory. Your significant-other plans a Saturday afternoon picnic at the beach, complete with a romantic pier walk and a leisurely game of scrabble on your ocean front blanket. Sounds dreamy right, except for the fact that the USC-UCLA football game begins at noon. Plan ahead my aging brothers. That morning get out of bed with a sudden, nasty, aching pulled muscle in your right leg. Limp/hop your way to the couch sporting an agonizingly pained expression while relating to your loved one, “I’ve been having some slight soreness all week in my leg honey bunch. I guess I finally pulled the muscle in my sleep somehow. This getting older thing is for the birds.” Not only will you be watching the iconic game at high noon, your beer and favorite turkey club sandwich will be happily and sympathetically delivered to the coffee table where your “disabled” limb is propped up on a cushy pillow. Touchdown!
I think you get the picture. Use the fact that most people have an extremely low opinion of the elderly and believe most seniors are one step away from the nursing home. You can still feel healthy and active most of the time; however, when it’s convenient or helpful just don’t feel so good. Use your imagination and be creative; also, have some fun with the onset of old age and the opportunities it presents. Here are a few other common ailments often experienced by declining old folks. One of these might come in handy when searching for a way to avoid an approaching boring, over-priced dinner, treating the in-laws on their anniversary. Maybe suddenly you develop a severe case of diarrhea, constipation, incontinence, insomnia, anxiety or exhaustion. Or possibly you come down with an agonizing earache, stomachache or headache. Also, don’t forget the list of potential injuries—sprained something, pulled muscle, bruised ribs, jammed finger, sore back, stiff neck and stubbed toe. It’s just another creative version of “Not tonight honey, I have a headache!”
I realize these ploys are a little underhanded and devious; however, there are so many negatives related to the aging process wouldn’t it be nice to occasionally use them to our advantage. Remember always age gracefully, and when absolutely necessary, painfully!
Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.
