I, Pete Whalon, promise to be more tolerant of idiots who do annoying, obnoxious acts of random stupidity in front of me. I further declare that I will attempt to quell my sarcastic comments and cynical commentary and mask my disgusted facial expressions whenever possible. Okay, I feel much better, and now look forward to 2014, free from past irritants. However, before I put into action the new and improved version of “Pete,” allow me to share a list I have compiled of things that drive me a little nuts:
Shopping carts with a broken wheel, people who chew with their mouth open; no toilet paper or paper towels in public bathrooms, walking into spider webs, fake laughter, people who write on dirty car windshields, people who don’t use their turn signal, people who write checks during checkout, dog poop on the sidewalk, people who blow their horn at you the nano second the light changes to green, drivers who signal after they make a lane change, improper use of the word ironic, being put on the speakerphone without warning, conspiracy theories, celebrities claiming to be environmentalists, speed bumps, parents who have their children on leashes, people who ask “Can I ask you a question?,” commercials in movie theaters, keeping your Christmas lights up until February, overuse of the word “like,” conversational high fives: Highfiving at any time other than when one is actively playing a sport.
Also, people who complain out loud while waiting in a long line at the store, people who say “bra” or “bro” when it’s not their brother, cell phone drivers, lawn ornaments, movie talkers, athletes who point to the sky after scoring, PeOpLe WhO tYpE LiKe ThIs, People who make out in public, barbecue restaurants with happy pigs on the sign, people who grunt and groan while working out, people who let dogs that jump up on everyone loose in public, people who don’t hold the elevator for you, barking dogs when I am trying to sleep, people who wear sunglasses indoors, when you first meet someone and can’t remember the person’s name by the end of the conversation, taking forever to leave a parking space while others are clearly waiting for it, business buzz words such as: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift, etc., people sitting at a red light and continuing to sit there when the light turns green because they’re on their cell phone, people who dress their pets and people who use the phrase “110 percent.”
I know what you’re thinking- -”wow, that’s a long list.” Actually it’s a partial list. I truly do not get that irritated at people while out in public. And I almost never speak up and say what’s on my mind. It would be kind of fun though… unless someone responded with a quick jab to my nose. In fact, I rarely toot my horn at a driver, just in case he happens to be an escaped psychotic mental patient with a Louisville Slugger bat in the front seat. Often amused, I generally imagine what I would say if I decided to pop off and make an acerbic remark.
I honestly believe that New Year’s resolutions are an important productive way to attempt self improvement. Although not always successful, I usually have a number of worthy declarations. Traditionally, I vow to work out more, eat better, be kinder to friends and family, donate more money to charity, cut down on watching football games (ya, like that’s gonna happen!), and the timeless classic- -lose a few pounds. In fact, as I write this piece, I’m sitting on the couch watching the NFL channel as the so-called football experts analyze this weekend’s playoff games while munching on a pop-tart and drinking hot chocolate. Oh well, tomorrow is another day!
Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.
