I’m guessing the first TV reality show would have been “People are Funny,” which began back in 1942. Does that mean we have to pin the blame on the wholesome, polite, trusted and respected Art Linkletter? Or maybe the grandfatherly icon, Allen Funt, was the culprit for his immensely popular and hysterical “Candid Camera” (I still love watching reruns of that one). I feel compelled to hold someone accountable for polluting the boob-tube with rubbish such as “Cheaters,” “Brat Camp” and “Hoarders.” Aren’t we, as a society, better than this? It doesn’t appear so.
I know exactly what you’re thinking. “I bet Pete watches this stuff, but he’s trying to act like he’s superior to us.” No, not at all; however, I do find guilty pleasure in watching a few reality shows. I also realize it is an enormous waste of my time. We all clearly recognize that most of this nonsense is utter compost. Does anyone truly believe they might be intellectually stimulated or mentally challenged by “The Princes of Malibu,” “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” or “Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood?” Of course not, but you watch anyway. Why? Because everyone enjoys a gruesome train wreck! Are you sick and twisted for watching such tripe? Maybe, but that’s for a professional to decide after numerous hours of intense therapy.
The motivations behind this rash of crap TV was brilliantly depicted in the classic movie from 1976—“Network.” It’s all about the ratings, which translate into money. Simply put, if you air it they will watch. And guess what? If you don’t watch, there’s another gutter-dredging debacle anxiously waiting on the shelf to take its place. The question the networks wrestle with is how disgusting, twisted and disturbing can we become before we lose our audience? Since they obviously haven’t reached that low point yet, prepare yourself for more mind-numbing reality shows slithering your way soon. With that alarming thought in mind, I have a few suggestions to aid the networks in establishing just where the “gone-too-far” line lies.
Here’s one I believe could be the next big network smash hit. “Colonoscopy Chronicles.” Join the crew behind closed doors as everyday people prepare for that dreaded day. We will follow patients up close and personal; from their first swig of their preparatory solution in their home the night before, to their waking up dazed and confused after the procedure. Do not miss “Colonoscopy Chronicles,” and maybe we can save your life someday. There’s no way this baby doesn’t top the ratings chart.
Next on my creative list of new Fall programming is—“So You Need a Root Canal.” Although the title may appear obvious, there’s a wrinkle to this future hit. When the patient arrives at the dentist office and is seated in the chair they discover that their spouse will be performing the root canal with the dentist, seated behind them, offering instructive suggestions and explaining dental procedures to the audience. You think your last root canal was torturous, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Winner! Craving a little romance? Okay, how about a heartwarming rom-com titled, “If I Lose 100 Pounds, Will You Have Plastic Surgery on Your Double-Chin and Lazy Eye? “ This could be a megahit. Severely overweight men are paired with women in desperate need of plastic surgery. While the men struggle with intense exercise regiments and changing eating habits, the women visit Beverly Hills plastic surgeons as the doctors compete for the privilege of performing the surgery and starring on a reality show. As the “fantastic” actor, Charlie Sheen, so succinctly stated a few years back–“Winning!” And one more blockbuster to demonstrate what you might have to look forward to this Fall. “Extreme Exterminator” is probably my finest idea yet. It’s a competition based in the dilapidated, ramshackled bankrupt city of Detroit. On the eerily abandoned streets of Detroit, six teams of two exterminators each compete to see who can kill the most varmints in a twenty-four hour period. At the end of the competition all teams will line up their kills for the judges to authenticate. At that time their points will be totaled, with a weekly winner declared. Points will be awarded as follows: coyotes, 20; raccoons, 20; skunks, 15; vultures, 15; snakes, 10; bats, 10; rats, five and mice, five. The winners from each episode will compete in a “Champions Extreme Extermination” round to be conducted during three weeks in three different “lovely” cities of Oakland, Chicago and Baltimore.
Do you have a unique idea of your own for a reality TV show? Don’t be shy, send it off to one of the networks today. Believe me, those soulless, corporate hacks will consider anything!
