I’m not meaning to undeck anybody’s halls as we head into the holidays, but I’ve noticed there has recently been a rash of unsettling articles dealing with dead bodies seemingly scattered around people’s houses. Why is this? Are holidays really that bad? Or do we just hear about these “nightmares before Christmas” due to technology spreading news faster than Santa flying his magical sleigh around the world? This year, more than ever, I feel the Internet is telling us about magical “slays.”
In Stockton, a man may have lived with a corpse for months, according to one report. The news states the body was found “in the bathroom lying next to the tub” by an apartment building manager after evicting the tenant. The death isn’t yet determined to be the result of a homicide, but this case is being investigated as a possibly illegal act because of “suspicious circumstances.” Suspicious circumstances? You think?
Forgive me for digging deeper, but how could the person living there even begin to take a shower for four months? How could they clean their toilet when there’s a body crammed somewhere between the tub and the commode? As a clean freak with undiagnosed OCD, this simply would not do for me. For me, time would be better spent moving the deceased throughout the house, a la “Weekend at Bernies,” in order to facilitate weekly chores.
But that’s just me. Of course, if it were me, I wouldn’t keep a corpse in the house in the first place. Not to mention, I’m far more respectful to those around me than to have the stench of a rotting body permeate the neighborhood (“Nothing to smell here. Just baking my fruit cake. Don’t worry; you’ll get yours this weekend.”).
Across the country in Jacksonville, Fla., a South Carolina woman reportedly confessed to murdering a woman and then leaving her body under a stack of Christmas presents. According to this news article, the alleged killer stole money from the woman and then piled gifts on top of her.
But here’s where this article fails me: It’s dated Dec. 6. The significance? Who in their right mind (acknowledging an alleged killer is, in fact, at least somewhat crazy) has the forethought to finish enough of their holiday shopping to have a large enough, wrapped, stack of gifts under which to hide a dead lady? That barely leaves enough time to heal from Black Friday brawls inside Walmart. I’m just saying.
I would find this more believable if the body were wrapped and under the tree, or even chopped up as stocking stuffers (or in this case, stalking stuffers – ha ha?). Although maybe I’m assuming too much from this story. Maybe the body wasn’t actually hidden under a tree, beneath a glittering pyre of packages. Maybe the gifts were inside one of those “donate toys to kids” boxes at a supermarket – we don’t know.
The point to all of this (and trust me, there is a point)? How about we keep in mind the meaning of the season. While people certainly consider the holidays a time to freak out possibly because of expenses, shopping and impending time with in-laws, this time of year certainly doesn’t constitute offing another person. My advice to anyone wanting to kill someone at this time of year: Don’t! Take some time out for yourself; maybe get a massage or go in for a nice pedicure, some time to relax – in a clean environment, you know, without a corpse dirtying up the vibe. I know everyone runs on fumes between Thanksgiving and the new year, but remember this is the season of giving. And goodwill towards man. And women. And doggies.
So with that, I’ll lay my finger aside my nose and give a nod. Here’s hoping there’s nothing decaying inside the chimney.
Holly Braithwaite is the communication director at Utah System of Higher Education. She lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, with her miniature pinscher, Rico Tubbs.
