My favorite top 10 lists

Pete Whalon

I love top 10 lists, especially funny/true ones. Here are some of my favorites.

10 rules that guys wish women knew 1.Crying is blackmail. 2. Ask for what you want. 3. Subtle hints don’t work. 4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. 5. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 6. Anything you wear is fine–really. 7. You have too many shoes 8. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. 9. Don’t ask us. 10. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.

10 real meanings behind women’s abbreviations in personal ads: 1. 40-ish–53. 2. Athletic–Flat-chested 3. Average looking–Ugly 4. Beautiful–Pathological liar. 5. Emotionally Secure—Medicated. 6. Free spirit–Substance user. 7. Fun—Annoying.  8. Open-minded–Desperate 9. Outgoing–Loud. 10. Romantic–Looks better by candle light

10 alternative state slogans. 1. Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity. 2. Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat. 3. Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything. 4. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids. 5. Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money. 6. Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names. 7. Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign. 8. Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State. 9. New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here. 10. North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

10 ways to say NO! “I’d love to but… 1. I have to floss my cat’s teeth. 2. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 3. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night. 4. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted. 5. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel. 6. I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 7. I’m attending the opening of my garage door. 8. I’m sandblasting my oven. 9. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 10. I’m being deported.

10 ways you know you are in California. 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house. 3. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 4. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 5. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 6. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 7. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the country. 8.  It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH 2014” 9. It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 10. You AND your dog have therapists.

10 children’s names appropriate for their parents profession. 1. Lawyer’s daughter: Sue.  2. Thief’s son: Rob. 3. Lawyer’s son: Will. 4. Doctor’s son: Bill. 5. Homeopathic doctor’s son: Herb. 6. Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary. 7. Hot-dog vendor’s son: Frank. 8. Gambler’s daughter: Bette. 9. Exercise guru’s son: Jim.  10. Barber’s son: Harry.

10 great names for a country western song. 1. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 2. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life. 3. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 4. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You. 5. I’d Rather Have a Bottle In Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy. 6. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All on You. 7. If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will. 8. Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head). 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss him. 10. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

I hope I’m not offending any sensitive souls out there but, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.