Before I get revved up here, let me make one thing clear-NO, I’m not homophobic. I just don’t entirely understand the American obsession with hugging every time there’s interaction with another human being.
In my day, two people embracing was reserved for funerals, weddings or winning an obscenely large sum of money at the race track. All other occasions warranted a firm handshake or a friendly slap on the back. I truly miss the back slap.
It’s not actually the hug that disturbs me the most, but the variations and uncertainty of when to perform the act. There’s simply too much pressure involved. Do I hug, how long do I hug, how hard do I hug, will they hug back, do I throw a cheek kiss in, do I shake hands first then toss in a quick hug? And how about the double hug? Do I execute the act when meeting and saying goodbye? Give me a break. Shaking hands is straightforward. Stick out your hand, shake, let go, move on. I know, those glory days are gone forever. The hug with all its ramifications and ambiguities are unfortunately here to stay. So, with hugging protocol in mind, I’ve attempted to establish the wide variety of hugs existing today and the proper response. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. The man on man–man on woman–quickie–hug/kiss–half hug–bear–crusher–mismatched heights–let’s get it over with–sympathy–friendly–loved one–I want you now–butt squeeze–buddy–polite–sandwich (three people with you in the middle)–pile (sports celebration) and the ever embarrassing–unreciprocated hug. I know there’s more out there. I swear, Colonel Sanders has fewer chicken wings then there are hug types. Girlfriend or spouse hugs are a no brainer. Anything goes. Short, long, squeezing, groping body parts or dirty dancing. Hugging a “hot” chick is tricky. It totally depends on who is present. With a wife or girlfriend staring daggers in your back, no longer than three seconds guys. No witnesses hold on tight until she physically breaks the hug. The man hug is my least favorite. Really, what’s the point? I shook your hand in the 70’s and 80’s, now I’ve got to hug you. Why? I mean really, why? I don’t want to embrace you–it doesn’t feel good and is freakin’ stupid! The worst of the man clinch is with a total stranger. “Hey Pete, I’d like you to meet George.” I stick out my hand and he latches on as if I pulled him from a burning building. What the heck is going through your mind dude? Hug your scruffy hound at home, not me. Also, the group male hug should be banned by law. Only if a crew of coworkers wins $50,000,000 in the lottery should a dude group hugging-orgy be accepted in polite society. While running on the Strand a few weeks ago I witnessed two women talking who obviously knew each other. Both held the leash of a well-groomed dog. As I approached them ( I run slowly) they were hugging. Okay, cool with me. They then hugged each other’s mutts, after which they awkwardly and physically forced their respective pooches to cuddle with each other. I believe one of the rotund ladies actually began shedding tears. I guess they noticed me shaking my head in utter disbelief. “I presume you don’t have a dog sir,” the portly shrew sarcastically chirped at me. “Not a sissy one like your mangy mutt lady,” I mockingly responded. I know, that was rude, but come on, enough is enough! Now dogs are hugging. I guess there’s just a little too much anxiety for me whenever I see a friend or meet someone new coming toward me. Is there a hugging etiquette book somewhere? Should I get a t-shirt that states–nothing personal, I just don’t HUG!
I suppose I’ll just accept the fact that I’m unfortunately stuck with the hug. I will simply embrace (pun intended) the cultural transformation, hugging everyone with the same intensity and passion. I just pray that in my lifetime it doesn’t become common practice to French kiss my football buddies every time we gather to watch a game. Does anyone know of a high-quality deep, dark cave for lease in the Appalachian Mountains!
