For those who have read my articles over the past few years, you are well aware of the fact that I have not mastered the art of aging gracefully. Being only about three months away from my 68th birthday, I continue my quest for the meaning of life and some positive aspects of growing older. I’ve searched the high and low, seeking wisdom and clarity from fellow seasoned citizens. This first list of “aging positives” I’ve uncovered has provided me with a bit of solace and hope. 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors’ don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Unfortunately I stumbled on this next list, which is not quite as encouraging.
1. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
2 .You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
3. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
4. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
5. Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
6. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable urge.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today”.
9. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
10. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
11. Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
12. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
13. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
14. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty face.
15. The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
16. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
17. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
Here’s another short listing of some of my favorites I’ve discovered. 1. Life is one long process of getting tired. 2. You wish not so much to live long, as to live well. 3. Any one who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. 4. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
5. Never ask old people how they are if you have anything to do that day.
6. Don’t worry about avoiding temptation – as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
7. A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time. 8. The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.
So, what have I learned in my never-ending quest you ask? I’m not quite sure. However, researching the myriad quotes, articles and tidbits available on the net has given me much to mull over, and more importantly, put a smile on my weathering face.
I’ll leave you with this little gem from one of my favorite comedians; George Burns once said, “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”
