If the position of president of the United States had a job announcement, I believe it would read something like this.
Qualifications: Must be citizen of the United States. Must be 35 years of age. Must have lived in the United States for at least 14 years.
Job description: 1. Must have skin as thick as an alligator. Immediately after submitting your application, the opposing side will define you as a cross between Charles Manson, Caligula and Attila The Hun. Any random negative act or episode during your life, from birth until the election, will be dissected, analyzed and examined by your competitors (the other party) and embellished to make you appear like a bully, a fool and an insensitive brute (or brutess), with zero class and questionable morals.
And if you are elected president it will get progressively worse day by day.
Any available photograph from your past that makes you look less than “Presidential” (or like an ass) will be shown during newscasts and plastered on all social media sights every day for the remainder of your life. If you sneeze or cough, some guttersnipe will dub the unconscionable act as “hate speech”, racism or Nazism. If per chance you stumble over a curb or fall descending Air Force One you will be portrayed as a clumsy oaf, awkward uncoordinated boob with two left feet, or a drunk. There will be no rest from the 24/7 attacks from the cable news channels supporting the other side. You will be the enemy and they take no prisoners!
2. Must know the meaning and be able to spell every word in the English language, answer every inquiry regarding every country in the world and do it with style, grace and class. Your adversaries will be dissecting every comment, off-the-cuff remark and speech you make with the hope that you screw up a word, phrase or pronunciation (Google Dan Quail helping a young boy spell “potatoe”).
Mispronouncing the name of the world leader from another country will make you an instant celebrity on the late night TV talk shows, Saturday Night Live, Facebook, Twitter and every other form of media in the galaxy.
3. Whatever you do roughly half of the country will revile and detest you for your short time left on this planet, without forgiveness. If you singlehandedly discover the cure for cancer some critics will harp on the fact that you spent too much time in the laboratory and not enough time doing conducting the business of the American people.
If you solve the rampant drug problem in the country detractors will lament you have stereotyped a significant segment of society staining them forever and ruining their lives. And God forbid that you assist in bringing Democracy to a country formally led by a brutal, psychopathic dictator. You will be labeled a narcissistic imperialist, Hell bent on world domination. On the brighter side—when your term is up, companies and wealthy individuals will pay you obscene amounts of money for speaking engagements to spout the same drivel you offered for free during your Presidency. And those late night talk shows that lambasted you for 4/8 years will be begging you to appear on their overrated broadcasts.
4. Must be able to speak for long periods of time demonstrating an expression of profound concern added with the agile ability to utter absolutely nothing concrete or relevant on any subject. This is one of the most important aspects of the job of President. If a reporter asks a probing, difficult question you must change the subject immediately or blame the last President of the United States (as long as he/she was in the other party). Also, you can never go wrong attacking the press, a news reporter, cable news, Vladimir Putin or Kim Jung Un. Everyone despises them as much as they will detest you.
If I might offer a small bit of advice: instead of running for President, I suggest you submit your application for “dung removal specialist” of the elephant cage at your local zoo. It will prove far more rewarding!
