Letting Off Steam: Guess I’m an expert

The dictionary defines the word expert as follows:

1. noun: a person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field; specialist; authority: a language expert. 2. Military: the highest rating in rifle marksmanship, above that of marksman and sharpshooter. 3. possessing special skill or knowledge; trained by practice; skillful or skilled (often followed by in or at); an expert driver; to be expert at driving a car.

I don’t know about you, but this definition appears a little vague to me. In fact, by this definition, I’m an expert on several subjects. It’s always bugged me when watching “experts” testify on the stand in court cases. They usually come across as condescending and snide. The defense expert takes the stand and adroitly relays to the jury what qualifies them as a specialist on the subject. They then proceed to relate their findings and conclusions on the issue at hand. Next the prosecution’s expert sits down and counters the first know-it-all by sharing a completely opposite opinion from the defense guy. So, I’m supposed to believe that both guys are at the top of their field; however, they testify to completely opposite results. What this tells me is one of these jokers is full of bull! If one dude is correct, then the other guy is wrong. Is he still an expert? I’m confused.

After many years of listening to experts in sports, politics, diet, health, medicine and every other field under the sun, I’m frankly a little dubious whenever I see someone introduced as an authority on a subject. Just who decided to crown this person as an expert? Did he/she pass an expert’s test? And at what moment did this person go from an amateur to an expert?

Here’s a bit of insightful advice from an obesity in children authority I discovered on line. “Lack of exercise is [a] big risk factor for being overweight. Children need at least one hour [of]exercise five days/week.” He also enlightened me to the fact that nutrition in their diet is very important in fighting childhood obesity. Really? Great advice, except for the fact that 98% of all humans over the age of ten already know these simple truths. I’m sure I could locate online an expert in the auto safety industry who informs us that replacing worn tires and getting your brakes checked can save lives.

I suggest that the next time you see an expert interviewed on any subject, listen closely and see how many answers you know of the questions asked of him. I’m convinced you will be surprised at the high percentage of your correct answers. Congratulations, you are now an expert on home safety or pet care or barbecuing ribs. If you’ve participated in something most of your life such as preparing family meals, raising children, grocery shopping, playing sports or planting a backyard garden, well done–you are probably a professional in that field. Go ahead, call yourself an expert!

In most of life’s trials and tribulations we don’t need an “expert” to tell us what to do or how to do it. I believe our society has become much too reliant on these so-called authorities.

After extensive investigation, I am declaring myself an expert in the following fields: Gambling, drinking beer, procrastination, fantasy football, watching movies, women (just kidding), tacos, glaucoma and freeway driving. I’m sure if I had the time, I could list many more. However, I must complete my painstaking research project on this six pack of ice cold Corona.