I suppose I’m easily annoyed by what most people would consider trivial pursuits, so here’s another one to chew on–overused idioms. You hear them every day from family, friends, store clerks, newscasters, radio hosts and co-workers. It’s merely lazy talk from an intellectually sluggish society looking for the simplest path to express themselves, or maybe it’s just me. Anyway, here’s my list of the most egregious, stale clichés plaguing civilization today and the suggested appropriate reply.
- “Think outside the box.” Response: “How would you like to be stuffed inside ‘the box’ and shipped to Gobblers Knob, Arkansas?”
- “It’s a win-win.” Response: “Here’s a lose-lose for ya pal, you’re dim-witted and physically repulsive.”
- “I gave 110 percent.” Response: “Right, on a scale of 1,000 percent.”
- Whenever an athlete, celebrity or politician retires, quits or loses their job, one of the explanations is always, “I want to spend more time with my family.”Response: “Would you please spend more time with my family also, because honestly, I’m getting a little sick of them.”
- “I’m there for you 24/7.” Response: “Cool, could you come over every Wednesday morning at 2:00 a.m. and put my garbage out?”
- “I’m multi tasking.” Response: “Well, unfortunately you’re incompetent at both tasks.”
- “It is what it is.” Response: “Are you sure it’s not what it was, or it was what it is, or it’s not what it’s not?”
- “To be honest with you… “Response: “Is everything you’ve said so far a lie?”
- “I could care less.” (Of course, the correct saying is I couldn’t care less; however, at least half the people using this phrase get it wrong.) Response: “I couldn’t care less that you could care less?”
- “Bring your A game.” Response: “I don’t have an A game or a B game, so should I bring my C game or my D game?”
- “They threw him under the bus.” Response: “Very cool, was he all mangled with his guts hanging out?”
- “Kick the can down the road.” Response: “I’ll kickyourcan down the road if you ever use that expression again.”
- “With all due respect (nothing positive ever follows this one).” (It’s important that your response is started immediately after the word “respect.”) Response: “Oh crap, here comes my butt rippin’ from a fool with a 75 IQ.”
- “It’s the elephant in the room.” Response: “Don’t see no elephant; however, there is one huge jack-ass in here.”
Unfortunately, regret for sometime missing the opportunity for a snappy comeback haunts us all. Now, after some ill-mannered, boorish oaf pops off using one of the above clichés you will have a little ammo to return fire. I suggest you create a list of your own clever retorts for these and other catchphrases that just drive you nuts. Maybe someday I’ll even get up enough nerve to actually use one on somebody.
