Okay boys, since there are no women present can we be honest with ourselves? Just between us guys, let’s all finally admit that women are far superior to us when it comes to our grooming, social skills, and most importantly, attire. For this exercise in futility, I will be advising men over 50 years of age on the major “don’ts in their life. Be advised mid-lifers, old fogies, senile citizens and retirees, it’s time to get serious. There are certain garments and “looks” that numerous golden oldies mistakenly believe makes them look younger, cooler or hipper; however, the result is quite the opposite. I am here to compassionately burst your fantasy bubble and start you down the road to self-awareness and recovery. For starters if you’re follically challenged or bald, never under any circumstance use the comb-over. You are fooling no one! Stray dogs will snarl at you. If a precocious five-year-old child spots you on the street he will ask his mother, “mommy, why is that man combing his hair from one ear to the other ear?” Her response “because he’s a goofball, Timmy!” Get a rug or shave your skull, dude! I will admit though that I get a huge kick out of spotting a well-constructed, time-consuming comb-over. Although I must confess I usually find myself praying for a strong breeze to see the thing flip back and forth. This next one really puzzles me. Why on earth would anyone wear an “Old Guys Rule” T-shirt? What does that even mean? At every swap meet, festival or concert I attend I see them selling like cotton candy. How about “Old People Drool, What’s Your Excuse” or “In Dog Years, I’m Dead”. News flash: The “Rule” T’s are not amusing, cool, cutting-edge or clever. More breaking news my aging band of brothers, from the inconvenient world of reality—a beer belly is NOT something to be proud of. I don’t want to appear overly critical or unreasonable here. All I’m asking is that you not wear a shirt two sizes too small, if you look as if you are about to give birth to twins. And if you feel compelled to proudly present your abundant gut to all, at least wash off the barbeque sauce and strawberry jam stains on the shirt. There is nothing quite as charming as a lilywhite old-coot with bird legs and a hairy tummy hanging down, strolling on the Strand licking on an ice-cream cone while it drips onto his soiled tank top. Back in the day we affectionately referred to them as “bun-huggers,” although today you know them as Speedos or tourist-tighties–the male version of the bikini. When spotted on the unprepared body type (which includes roughly 98% of the male population on earth), it can ruin a gorgeous sunny afternoon at the beach. Hey, clueless studs who idiotically believe all the chicks are checking you out as you sashay up the beach–they are, but for all the wrong reasons. Either strut your stuff in the privacy of your own home or while on vacation in Australia. The Aussies just love those banana hammocks! Gentlemen, I beg you, don’t attempt to converse with others as if you are a twenty-five year old high school dropout. It comes across as highly juvenile and undeniably embarrassing to all within earshot. “Hey dude, did you scope out that awesome game last night on the tube…radical? It was far-out man, it rocked big-time dude, really totally awesome!” I guess the only exception would be if you still surf and smoke weed daily (do they still call it weed?). Personally, I rigidly adhere to a strict rule; never utter the word awesome, ever. It’s the laziest, most irritatingly overused word in the history of civilization! Maybe that’s a tad overstated.
For your edification, other no-no’s for fellow geezers include mullet haircuts, dying your gray hair jet-black, Dolphin shorts, baseball caps worn backwards, tattoos, ear and nose rings, leather pants, gold chains, more than one button unbuttoned on your shirt, and “I break for hot chicks license plate frames.” All I’m trying to say here guys; as you age endeavor to do it with a bit of class and grace, because as far as I’m concerned, that would be like really totally awesome dude… really!
