Today I offer a combination of subjects. First, a “seasoned citizen” joke. I usually don’t appreciate long jokes however, this one made me smile.
Dr. Geezer’s Clinic: An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that reads: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.” Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.” Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: “But this is only $10! Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”
*Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
Now, just for fun, here are some classy insults. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words: A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease. “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy,” – Walter Kerr. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow.
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”-Moses Hadas.
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”-Mark Twain.
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”-Oscar Wilde.
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” -Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”-Stephen Bishop. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”-John Bright.
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”-Irvin S. Cobb”. He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”-Samuel Johnson. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”- Paul Keating.” In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”-Charles, Count Talleyrand. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”-Forrest Tucker. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”-Mark Twain. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”-Mae West. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”-Oscar Wilde. “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”-Andrew Lang (1844-1912). “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”-Billy Wilder. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”-Groucho Marx
