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Manipulating your woman for the upcoming NFL season Pete Whalon | Wed, Jul 18 2012 10:23 PM

 

This year the NFL football season kicks off on September 9—leaving only two short months to organize Operation Couch Potato in motion. This is a complicated matter requiring the insight of a veteran specialist with years of National Football League maneuvering experience.

Since 1971, the year I was honorably discharged from the Army, I've been obsessed with football—specifically the NFL.

Jump forward 40 years. Now with Direct TV's NFL package (the greatest innovation since Velcro) my football Sundays begin at about 8 a.m. and end approximately 9:30 p.m.

Married or single, this my friends, can prove to be a relationship killer, unless you use your God given talents of evasion, illusion and male animal instincts. Make no mistake gentlemen, this is war.

Follow my proven, time-tested instructions and come September you will be spending your Sundays plopped on your Lazy Boy recliner chugging brew, eating brats and watching football. Guilt free. First, this weekend buy your lovely a beautiful bouquet of her favorite flowers and write on the card, "Looking forward to a fantastic summer with you, Dear Prudence ." This will knock Peggy Sue off her game and shake up her thought process.

When your woman asks, "What are these for?" (and she will), you respond, "Because you're under appreciated my beautiful bride."

It is extremely important to avoid over playing your hand. This process is a marathon, not a sprint. The end game here is you, comfortably stretched out on your tattered sofa watching a 60 yard TD pass from Brady to Welker while Delilah gladly fetches you an ice cold Corona without her typical snide comments, spiteful glares or passive/aggressive behavior. Next, at least three days a week do something totally unexpected and unprecedented that will put a smile on her face. Next Tuesday when she returns from a rough day at work and opens the door, there you are, on your hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor.

I'll share one of my favorite scams with you—but don't tell anyone. Rent a chick flick like The English Patient, Pretty Woman or Terms of Endearment and plan a romantic evening with a bottle of expensive wine ( leave the price tag on the bottle).

When the movie gets sentimental and sappy (and it will), pause the flick to use the restroom. Lock the door behind you and pull out the plastic baggie with the two or three slices of onion you hid earlier, open it and hold the bag just under each eye until they tear, then flush the slices down the toilet and hurry back to the couch and start the movie.

Now, fake a sniffle or two and gaze deeply into Maggie Mae's eyes, and with your most tender voice say, "This is an amazing movie." Gently wipe the tears from your eyes, and kiss her tenderly on the cheek. Grand Slam. The two weeks before the games begin are crucial . So far you have laid the groundwork for a nag free season, however, this is not a time to get complacent .

This next move is going to be tough but you can pull it off. Keep your eye on the prize. Whenever Barbara Ann is present refrain from watching, talking about or reading anything to do with football. No Sports Center, no Sports Illustrated and no conversations with goofy pigskin buddies.

The new and improved you is on full display. You are confusing the enemy with precise, tactical maneuvers. Mandy won't be capable of processing the transformation in her man; however, she will be grateful for the astonishing metamorphous. The stage is now set for the final act, and you must be thoroughly prepared for action. As D-Day grows closer, Cecilia will feel compelled to bring up the subject of football since your silence on the matter is so abnormal .

When she does, you spring like a cougar on a defenseless newborn zebra. Explain to your bride that you still love football, however her feelings are the most important thing in your life.

Your other half will then want to reciprocate and express her thoughts and feelings (chicks always do that). "Big John, if you want to watch football this Sunday you go ahead. I want you to be happy."

Brush one eye slightly as if a tear were about to escape its duct then sincerely thank Gloria for her understanding.

If you play your cards correctly from start to finish and prove extremely lucky in the process, you just might buy yourself two or three weeks of Sunday football unfettered by nonstop squawking courtesy of Sweet Caroline.

Right now you're probably asking yourself, "Sounds like an excellent plan Pete, but what do I do for the remaining 14 weeks of the football season?"

Honestly dude, I have no clue—good luck.

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