There's a long standing myth floating around that guys owning dogs are more masculine and manly, while male cat owners are perceived as a little more on the wimpy or effeminate side. This fairy tale has been perpetuated for far too long.
Through a series of exhaustive interviews, hidden cameras and down-right superior investigative efforts, I have pieced together a blockbuster report dispelling every misconception previously believed on the subject of male dog owners vs. male cat owners.
In my comprehensive study, I examined 5 basic common traits, comparing and contrasting each with male dog and cat owners.
1. Independence: Frankly, dogs have none. By law they must be harnessed whenever out in public. Rather humiliating to be lead around town on a leash. I believe this is also a control issue with male dog owners, a sure sign of insecurity. There is nothing worse than a self-absorbed controlling tough guy, right ladies?
Cats, on the other paw, are free to come and go as they please, trusted by their owners and society in general to exhibit proper neighborhood behavior and return home without the need of constant supervision or a choke chain around their furry necks. It takes a well-adjusted, secure confident man to allow such unrestricted freedom.
2. Self Sufficiency: When a pooch on a controlled stroll decides it's time to relieve itself, the owner is bound, once again by law, to scoop up and dispose of the stinky stack of stuff. Now I don't know about you, but this doesn't strike me as a indication of machismo. Of course dog owners have options--they can let the canine do his business in the back yard. Then Mr. Macho won’t have to pick up the pile of processed poopy immediately, although he just might step in the pungent pyramid and track doggie dodo into the house. Or he can leave it lie there and age (like a fine wine) for as long as he wishes. Flies anyone?
Have you ever stepped in a pile of cat crap? That's because they bury it in out-of-the-way places, unseen and unsmelled by the human eye and nose, nice and neat. During bad weather, felines will use a cat box and bury the treasures under a mound of kitty litter. Dogs--correct, they deposit their dump on the carpet.
3. Manners: Have you ever experienced the pleasure of watching a ravenous dog gulp down his bowl of food? The hungry hound resembles John Belushi stuffing his face in the classic movie Animal House. Absolutely zero self-control. No matter the quantity provided, the mutt will devour everything you put in front of him. Give Fido too much food and he will gobble it up, get sick, then chow down on what he vomited on your clean kitchen floor! Nauseating! Once again, you must supervise poochie for his own good. The mess left behind by a gluttonous gobbler resembles a college dorm room after a drunken food fight. Hey, look at Mr. Rugged scraping kibble and bits off his kitchen wall.
Cats however, neat, clean, controlled. They'll be back for more kitty cuisine when they are hungry. You must be a very stable gentleman to be the owner of a fastidious feline. The fragile, inflated egos of most dog owners couldn’t handle having a self-sufficient, liberated kitten around the house.
4. Cleanliness: How often do you give your cat a bath? How often does your kitty stink like a foul smelling dog? Cats wash themselves—what a novel concept. What's the problem, brawny man, got a little doggie soap in your eye? Hey dude, you better keep your best friend inside after his bath or he will race outside and roll in the dirt and his coveted poop piles.
Cats exhibit pride in their cleanliness while dogs are only content when stinking like rotten eggs and day-old cod.
5. Destructive Behavior: Sometime visit the back yard of a family with a large dog. It resembles a war zone—holes everywhere, flowers destroyed, dead grass, mangled toys, and soiled patio furniture. Planning a summer barbeque? Good luck. Got a howling hound or a yapping Yorki on your hands? Bummer. I sincerely hope you have understanding (or hard of hearing) neighbors.
When was the last time you were kept awake all night by a meowing cat? Abnormal behavioral problems are a given for dog owners. They do offer assistance for this dilemma. It's called dog obedience class. Guess what? There is no such thing as cat obedience class.
In conclusion—the belief that owning a dog is more masculine and macho than owning a cat is irrefutably false. Male dog owners are self-doubting, frustrated men who have a deep seeded inferiority complex. Male cat owners are well-adjusted, secure adults who are humbly confident with a keen understanding of what is important in life. I sincerely hope you now understand the reality of pet ownership and will soon adopt a cat for your very own.