As I've previously stated here many times, I am semi-obsessed with the aging process, in a bad way. I am also a firm believer that humor is the best cure for most of our problems. After all, laughter is the best medicine! I'll start you out with a charming senior citizen joke.
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible,” exclaimed Rob. “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died?” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
This grandfather is my new hero! If you know someone like me who is aging uncomfortably, here are a few ditties to hurl at them. “He's/she's so old...His memory is in black and white.” “When he was in school there was no history class.” “There's a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.” “She calls Larry King, ‘Kid!’” “He used to have a pet dinosaur.” “He used to date Wilma Flintstone.” “Her first watch was a sun dial.” Okay, now that you're smiling, here are a few quotes about getting older that will wipe the grin from your face.
“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet,” Rita Rudner. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress,” Will Rogers.
“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again,” Erma Bombeck.
“Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving,” Author Unknown.
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her,” Agatha Christie.
“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read,” George Burns.
“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying,” Woody Allen.
“I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes,” Andy Rooney.
“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra,” Will Rogers.
“I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do,” Phyllis Diller.
“There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine,” P.G. Wodehouse.
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping,” Rita Rudner.
“At my age, flowers scare me,” George Burns.
“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table,” Rodney Dangerfield.
“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake,” Bob Hope.
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight,” Phyllis Diller.
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere,” Billy Crystal.
“Looking 50 is great if you're 60,” Joan Rivers.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick,” George Burns.
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred,” Woody Allen.
“Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning,” Bob Hope.
“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow,” Erma Bombeck.
“I'm so old they've canceled my blood type,” Bob Hope.
“People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit,” George Burns.
“Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom peeked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade,” Joan Rivers.
“It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen.
I don't know about you but I feel better--just kidding, I feel worse!