In 1977 I graduated from Cal State Long Beach with a BA degree in Physical Education and a teaching credential. I was going to be a P.E. teacher. Unfortunately, in the late ’70’s there were absolutely no teaching positions available anywhere in Southern California. So, what does a freshly minted, enthusiastic young P.E. teacher do when there are no jobs? He resorts to substitute teaching. Throughout junior high and high school, I showed no mercy for “subs.” Truth is, I proved their worst nightmare, unleashing pranks, sarcastic remarks and disobedient acts with no regard for their situation.
Now, here I stood outside the gates of Adams Jr. High, the very school I had attended some fifteen years earlier. I was about to report for my first day as a sub and I was petrified! I had learned from a few friends that when called to sub, tell them I was willing to teach any subject. If I limited myself, I wouldn’t get called regularly they warned. I had been assigned to Mr. Bellotti’s physical science class for three days. After reporting to the office and exchanging pleasantries, I headed to Room 22 and quietly slipped inside. I had intentionally arrived early to allow plenty of time to settle down and prepare for the first bell of the day. I glanced up and spotted two boys peering in the room at me. The red-headed kid flashed a twisted smile and loudly proclaimed to his buddy, “All right, another loser sub!” They disappeared around the corner. Any thoughts I harbored of experiencing a nice quiet uneventful day vanished with the two knuckleheads. Also the first beads of sweat formed on my forehead.
On the teacher’s fastidious desk in front of me lay a folder marked “Substitute teacher-please follow lesson plan.” I flipped it open and began reading my carefully detailed instructions for the day. “Chemistry: Discuss origin of the word chemistry and its meaning. The word chemistry comes from the word alchemy, an earlier set of practices that encompassed elements of chemistry, metallurgy, philosophy, astrology, astronomy, mysticism…” What? I was dead! I had actually taken chemistry in college and received a D. It was also at this time I believe I began questioning my career choice. Suddenly a shrill bell sounded signifying the five-minute warning until the start of the school day. I noticed a string of bloodthirsty teens gawking and giggling at me from the other side of the windows. “Open the door sub” one demanded. Another shouted, “Nice porno moustache sub.” I stood on buckling legs and slowly moved toward the cage door.
As soon as I cracked the door the jackals shoved their way inside, laughing and snipping crude remarks. On my way to school that morning I wrestled with the choice of playing the hard-nosed authoritarian teacher or the nice guy, let’s-be-buddies, substitute. Returning to the desk to begin taking roll, I opted for the drill instructor persona. Don’t let them know how anxious and terrified you are. Take command from the beginning and be forceful!
I addressed the group in my most menacing voice, “All right class, settle down and take a seat. I’m Mr. Whalon and “The redheaded miscreant from earlier interrupted with an acerbic remark I had heard a thousand times in high school. “Whale on, Mr. Whale on!” Wow, this wise guy must be related to me because that’s exactly what I would have said in junior high. I ignored the remark and began the arduous task of roll call. I guessed most of the kids lied about who they were, but I really didn’t care at that point. I peeked at the clock, suddenly realizing this was going to be the longest day of my life.
Deciding to completely blow off the teacher’s convoluted, long-winded lesson plan, I instructed the class to begin reading chapter three in their textbooks. I needed a few minutes of quiet time to develop a survival plan for the remainder of the school day. I noticed Dennis the redheaded menace whispering to the chubby kid next to him and pointing to the clock. I had pulled the classic, synchronized “book drop” many times in my day. I knew the word would spread throughout the class to all drop their books at the same time. Enough with these spoiled brats. It was time to make a stand and take the offense! I called cherry-top back to my desk for a chat. With a stern glare I spoke softly as I began my warning (okay, threat).
“Listen closely to me you mangy mutt. If one urchin drops one book at nine o’clock , I will make your life a living Hell. First, I will call the office and ask to have you suspended immediately. Next I am going to call your parents and let them know what a utter pain in the rear you are. For your information, I will be subbing here a lot this year and I will search you out every day, whether you are in my class or not, and make it my goal in life to have you transferred to another school! Oh, by the way carrot-top, I spent twenty-two months in the jungles of Vietnam (a slight exaggeration), so a redheaded twit like you is meaningless to me! Got it Bozo?” I glared into his eyes and spotted what I had hoped for–fear. He nodded his head and hustled back to his desk and immediately began passing the word. I was probably more apprehensive than he. The clock struck nine and not one book dropped. When Red realized he was in the clear, he slowly turned around and smiled at me. I smiled back and mouthed the words “good job” as I shook my head in approval. I must admit, I kind of liked this goofy kid.
