I’ve always compiled funny lists about any subject. Here are a few of my favorite. And yes, they are relatively clean!
The 25 funniest country song titles: 1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Good-bye. 2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling. 3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even. 5. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Daddy’s Head). 6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me. 7. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles. 8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away. 9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You. 10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better. 12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win. 13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight. 14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s Like Having You Here. 15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You. 16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now. 17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You. 18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him. 19. Please Bypass My Heart. 20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat. 22. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 24. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer. 25. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few.
The top benefits of getting older: 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. 4. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 8. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. 9. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Things you’ll never hear men say: 1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don’t you? 2. No, I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow. 3. Sometimes I just want to be held 4. Sure, honey! I’d be happy to discuss the state of our relationship. 5. We haven’t been to the mall for ages. Let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse. 6. Forget Monday Night Football. Let’s watch something meaningful on the “Lifetime Channel.” 7. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote. 8. I’m sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice. 9. Great! Your mother’s coming to stay with us again. 10. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It’s my turn. 11. I understand. 12. Damn, we’re late for church. 13. Don’t pick that up, I got it. 14. Happy Anniversary! 15. Hey, isn’t today your Mother’s birthday? 16. Let’s talk. I miss talking 16. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
Kids’ books that were never published. 1. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 2. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 3. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 4. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking 5. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 6. All Cats Go to Hell 7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 8. Some Kittens Can Fly 9. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption 10. Grandpa Gets a Casket. 11. Strangers Have the Best Candy 12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 13. You Were an Accident 14. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 15. Your Nightmares Are Real 16. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry.
I hope you got a few laughs!
