Boomerang Kids: Young adults who have moved back into the parental home after a period of independence. Your worst nightmare or a blessing in disguise? Little Johnny just graduated from college and he owes $67,000 in student loans. Your pride and joy majored in bowling industry management . Unfortunately there’s not a bowling alley within 100 miles of your house. Maybe he should have taken his Uncle Ralph’s advice and become a plumber. There’s always an overflowing toilet somewhere. Well dad, dust off his old chess club trophies, stock the fridge with beef and beer and make room in the garage for all his crap—here’s Johnny. Oh mom, he’s going to need his old bedroom back, so bye-bye to your remodeled sewing room. Don’t fret parental units, he’ll probably move out in two or three years. I’m sure there are a few “empty-nester” parents somewhere who are thrilled when they receive that auspicious call declaring, “Mom and Dad, I’m coming home for a little bit while I look for a job!” However, I’m quite convinced in most households the unexpected news is equivalent to discovering a giant sinkhole in the backyard has swallowed their pool. Of course, we all know you love your only son unconditionally, but come on, not this, not now! Dad’s first concern will be, damn, now I can’t rock around the house playing air guitar to Chuck Berry songs in my boxers. Mom fears little JJ will retrieve his dusty drum set from the attic and startup his garage band again with Justin, that tattooed ex-con from down the street. So, as Ma and Pa prepare for dinner that evening they soberly discuss the life changes they will have to make and the necessary house rules they must implement to maintain some semblance of order. Of course, this will be no picnic for the prodigal son either. No job, no cash, no prospects for the future and deep in debt. Now, the humiliation of returning home after four years of higher education to the dreary miniature bedroom he grew up in. Of course we all know you love your parents unconditionally, but come on, not this, not now! And so, as the ranks of the boomerangers unfortunately swells, I fondly recall the nicknames we used back in the day when affectionately referring to friends still living at home past the age of twenty–bum, deadbeat, loser, moocher, freeloader, slacker, loafer, sponger, parasite, leech and my personal favorite, mama’s boy. Of course, with today’s superficial “everything is beautiful” mentality, it’s “hate speech” to assign such acerbic monikers to these vanquished sons and daughters. We must demonstrate compassion, sympathy and understanding when addressing the boomeranger families. Poor Johnny is in a self-discovery phase searching for his true identity and purpose in life. JJ is a sensitive lad, who needs and deserves our support. Poppycock! I’ll leave you with a straightforward solution regarding the swelling number of boomerangers. I believe this thorny situation requires a modest amount of good old fashioned butt rippin’, tough love. So tomorrow, while your little rascal snoozes until noon, slide a heartfelt letter from mom and dad under the little lad’s door that reads: “To our loving son: Dear JJ, we would appreciate it if today, when you finally awake, that you take a shower, put on some clean ironed clothes and cart you lazy butt outside in pursuit of employment. I realize you are under the delusion that accepting a job for eight or nine dollars an hour is beneath you since you possess a college degree in BIM. However, we, as the people who are paying all your bills, providing a roof over your head and putting food on the table, strongly disagree. So, if you do not land a job, any job, this week, we will regretfully, and with great sorrow, toss all your faded, dingy clothes on the front lawn, install new door locks and change our phone number. Have a nice day son. Good luck,
Your loving parents
P.S. Also, shave that repulsive eight-day-growth off your face!
