Geez, can we get any “softer” as a nation? First, before I unload, let me define “Snowflake” in its present-day definition. Apparently, a snowflake is not just a little white speck of a winter flurry that we wish for on Christmas day. Lately, the term has been used as a slang insult, often used in a derogatory way to suggest that people, usually young folks who take offense to anything from political policy changes, perceived aggressive comments or remarks they deem unacceptable, are as weak and vulnerable as a speck of snow.
Okay, Snowflakes make a hot cup of cocoa, grab a warm blanket and then slip on your pretentious fur-lined “save-the-whales” slippers. Now, go curl up on the couch and find a box of tissues because there will most likely be tears (yours, not mine). Pay close attention because Uncle Petey is about to administer some long overdue, much needed “tough love!” Ready, take a deep breath, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL (the all caps is me screaming in your whimpering face) because you haven’t accomplished anything yet. You are attending an overpriced college paid for by your trusting parents who were thrilled to get your idealistic, diluted, naïve, whining as* out of the house. You are now comfortably surrounded by a mob of other oblivious young people who all think and react the same misguided way. However, after you graduate from your institution of higher learning and enter the “real world” with the rest of us, that will never be the case again! You will be forced, by necessity, to relearn almost everything crammed inside your mush filled skull.
If your grandfathers were as soft and delicate as you are now, when they stormed the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944, we would all be eating schnitzel and apple strudel at Thanksgiving. And, most likely, you would have never been born! I’ll bet you have no clue which country Normandy is in. If you know, thank your parents for me. If you don’t, take a short break from this read and look up D-Day on your iPhone. Oh no, you spilled your hot chocolate reaching for some Kleenex? Don’t fret little Snowflake; mom will clean it up when she gets home from work. I sure wish they would begin waterboarding Snowflakes in college. Just kidding, don’t go crying to the professor in your European Watercolor class and please don’t call the PC police on me, it’s a joke. Oops, forgot, Snowflakes have no sense of humor. They’re too busy seeking a “safe space” on campus or being somehow offended by the person who just said, “have a nice day.” If only the whole world were as nontoxic, inclusive and comforting as an Ivy League college campus is, we could all ride unicorns and eat cotton candy all day long.
Recently I’ve been reading about the latest innovation from our precious Snowflakes—Triggering. Here we go again folks. From the Urban Dictionary—a topic, phrase or word that emotionally sets someone off. It could refer to being offended, angry or reliving a traumatic experience. Often it seems like an attention grab or the overreaction of a self-indulged whiner. It is common in certain communities, primarily universities. Okay, let’s say that you and a friend walk by a newly minted Snowflake on a college campus and happen to be discussing movies, and a soon-to-be-melted Snowflake overhears you describing an action adventure flick that you saw last weekend. Beware, you may just be triggering, deep inside the delicate flower, a negative emotion, awakening something distressful from their past. Since triggering is their most recent scam, your punishment will probably be mild, like being forced to apologizing to the damsel in destress and being ordered by the Dean not to discuss such horrifying subjects on campus ever again. However, I predict, in the not too distant future the punishment will far outweigh the “crime”, in an insane, drastic way. You’ve been warned!
I’ll end here because I know some of you must attend an important meeting at your college (also, my blood pressure is skyrocketing). The Dean is unveiling a new list of 47 new words that will now be forbidden on campus, including; “sandwich” (discriminatory against witches), “winning (will be replaced with tying), “mother” (first four letters spell moth and that’s not cool for moths), “father” (first four letters spell fat-see “mother”) and “students” (first four letters are sexist, misogynist, and hurtful to wimpy guys with small feet). Have fun at school today in your “safe space” you delicate, spiritless, irritable little flakes of frozen water.
